9.9.11

Hope v Fear

There's a new book out that I ordered. Haven't read it yet so I don't know if its good ;) Its A Good and Perfect Gift; a memoir of a mother with a daughter who has DS. I read a few memoirs right after Nava was born. Two were good, one was horrible. All were about boys. Hearing about a daughter will be a nice change :)

I don't read the author's blog (didn't?) but went over there after hearing about the new book. And she invited comments for a giveaway with a question, a discussion prompt, that I liked. Not to get all heavy but I want to post it here. Click away if you don't feel like talking serious right now. It's ok by me. Really.

remembering to cuddle during a hospital trip
birthday cheeks

before I knew


My daughter's diagnosis with DS created fear in me, created deeper and more engulfing fear than I had ever felt (or at least, since I left the monsters of childhood behind). Fear about all that could happen, fear about all I couldn't control, all that I couldn't protect her from. Fear of judgement from others, from myself. Fear of the worst. Fear. Fear. Fear.

I am not a fearful person. I left home to be a foreign exchange student in a developing country at age 15. I've always chosen the 'less traveled' path. I am confident. I don't worry about going alone. I chose my husband based on love without fear for cultural difference, economic hardship, immigration woes. I didn't worry about a thing during my pregnancy.

So the diagnosis kicked me into feelings uncharted. The intimate unfamiliar world. I was deeply sad, mostly at night when my tough projected exterior of Can Do Mama started to expire and the demons in my head came out to play.

It took me the better part of a year to get out of Fear Mode and into Hope Mode. She's only 17 mo old so its not been all that long. Now my fears are more specific and justified and they are not the priority. Now hope fights forward. Hope for her mobility in the short term. Hope for her sight in the medium. And hope for a beautiful, charmed life that touches others in the long.

Its good to hope.

3 comments:

  1. I loved reading this. I hope that no one did click away, because posts like this go a long way to helping people understand and relate to you! I was completely and utterly blindsided by Pacey's birth (he was premature as well at 30 weeks) and subsequent diagnosis and I would say it took me about a year to make the transition as well. I wish I'd have known, during that first 12 months, what life would look like down the road and how Pacey would enrich our lives and, I truly believe, those we come in contact with.

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  2. I love your pregnant photo!
    I am a huge fan of Amy Julia - and I am reading the book now. I had to NOT read it last night because it kept me up all night the night I started it. Not to be a spoiler, but it's REALLY GOOD. I think you'll like it - super well-written.

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  3. Thanks ladies! Both of you are great examples of hope winning too ;)

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